Funny Jokes

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, “Leave me alone!”
They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”
The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!” It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: “Don’t touch me!”
Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”
Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!”
Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

Three men were due to be executed one day — one University of Alabama graduate, one Florida State graduate and one Auburn University graduate.

The Alabama grad was the first to be brought in front of the firing squad. Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Tornado!” The guards all turned around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall.

Next in line was the Florida State grad, now confident that he too will be able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Flood!” The guards turned around and he too managed to escape.

Now it was the turn of the Auburn grad, wondering what disaster he could use (now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the guards were about to shoot, he shouted, “Fire!”

* Smoke jimson weed.ﾠ Do whatever comes naturally.

* Switch the sheets on your beds with the next door neighbors.

* Twitch a lot.

* Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

* Steal a fishtank.ﾠ Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.ﾠ Talk to them.

* Walk and talk backwards.

* Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.ﾠ Drink it all.

* Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”

* Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.ﾠ Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

* Smile.ﾠ All the time.

* Collect dog shit in baby food jars.ﾠ Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

* Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.ﾠ When you get hungry, root around in the trash. ﾠFind the food, and eat it.ﾠ If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that she/he reimburse you.

* Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

* Shoot rubber bands at your mate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

* Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet.ﾠ Accuse him/her of stealing it.

* Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up and announce that you are going to take a shower. ﾠ Do so.ﾠ Keep this up for three weeks.

* Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

* Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with, “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.

* Always flush the toilet three times.

* Buy a copy of Weird Al Yankovic’s “Pennsylvania Polka,” and play it at least 6 hours a day.ﾠ If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

* Listen to radio static.

* Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city.ﾠ Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life.ﾠ Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.

* Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly.ﾠ Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your mate’s bed.

* Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.

* Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once.ﾠ When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.

* Walk around in circles all the time.ﾠ Complain that your turn signal is stuck.

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic:

“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.

“Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Silence.

“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”

You can’t argue with that!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.

* You consider McDonald’s “real food.”

* You actually like doing laundry at home.

* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.

* It starts getting late on the weeknights.

* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.

* You’d rather clean than study.

* Half the time you don’t wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.

* Computer Solitaire is more than a game it’s a way of life.

* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps.

* You know the pizza boy by name.

* You go to sleep when it’s light and get up when it’s dark.

* You live for getting mail. (E-mail included)

* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.

* Prank phone calls become funny again.

* Wal-Mart is the coolest store.

* World War III could take place and you’d be clueless.

* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

* You find out milk crates have so many uses.

* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday. (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)

A- Alcohol: The key to surviving college.

B- Beer: It’s whats for dinner.

C- Class: What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party.

D- Dancing: A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic.

E- Emergency: The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party.

F- F*cked Up: Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out.

G- Games: Anything that involves cards, quarters and chugging beers.

H- Hang-over: Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank.

I- Ignorant: The way you act after drinking WAY too much.

J- Jail: Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home.

K- Kissing: What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers.

L- Lord: Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol.

M- Money: That which you no longer have due to too much partying.

N- Not Again!: What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know.

O- Oh shit!: What you say as you’re falling down the stairs.

P- Pee: What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer.

Q- Quilt: What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning. YUCK!

R- Reform: What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the toilet.

S- Sex: What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk.

T- Twenty-four: The number of beers it takes to get drunk.

U- Underage: Most of the drinking population in college town.

V- Vodka: The mother of all alcohols and the best way to make Jello.

W- Worm: The part of Tequila that that you don’t mind eating after you’ve consumed the whole bottle.

X- X-Ray: How they can see into your stomach before they pump it.(detox)

Y- Yourself: The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end.

Z- Zima: Zomething Different.

* Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

* Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”

* Consistently write three atoms of potassium as ‘KKK.’

* Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”

* When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”

* Deny the existence of chemicals.

* Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

* Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker. Especially effective for female students.

* Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.

* Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

Why did the squirrel enroll in college?

It wanted to major in nutritional science and learn all about acorn-omics!

Q: What Do Florida State Football Players Drink Insted Of Gatorade?

A: Seminole Fluid

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more “humane”.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.

Chuck Norris never misspells a word. If he does, he simply changes the spelling.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the **** out of little kids.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, “I’ll give you something to cry about,” and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t !&$% with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck requested he be allowed to bone Christie Brinkley after ever total gym infomercial and she agreed!

15 More Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.
10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
12. When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.
14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Detroit Lions.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell “Jesus Christ.”

Q: How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A: To Ford Field – they never get a touchdown there.

Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn’t Grand Rapids have a professional football team?
A: Because then Detroit would want one.

Q: What’s the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road

Q: How do you get a Michagan girl into your dorm?

A: Grease the door frame and push.

Q: Why can’t you smoke weed in Iraq?

A: Because there is no piece in the middle east!

A, C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.” Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now. You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next nightin a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.”

This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

How do you know a person posting a joke goes to Ohio State?

They fucking spell Michigan wrong.

My recent job-hunting experience has been very educational. I now know a little more about what to do and what not to do. Here’s a little taste of my newfound wisdom.

10 STEPS TOWARDS A SUCCESSFUL JOB INTERVIEW

10. Awkward silence is always better than: “OMG, you’re daughter is fuckin SMOKIN’!!”.

9. Trying to stir up outrage over the “reverse racism” at the Chinese buffet isn’t going to get you anywhere, no matter how many letters you write.

8. Two beers to loosen you up before the big interview: okay. Blowing a joint before the big interview and repeatedly complimenting the boss on her sweet hen-shaped paperweight: not okay.

7. In order to list American Sign Language as a skill, you have to know quite a bit more than the “call me” sign and the metal horns.

6. “Tell me a little bit about yourself” is not meant to elicit either a) your Rebounds Per Game stat or b) which Fanta girl you’d prefer to bone.

5. Having a “License to Ill” doesn’t increase your marketability (no matter if it’s the truth or not).

4. Don’t take interview advice from people who are unemployed. ;o)

3. If you find that during interviews the conversation inevitably drifts towards Stalin, that’s probably your fault, not theirs.

2. “Cowboy” is not a respected former job, no matter how badass your references are.

1. Try not to overuse the word “ba-jillion”.

So, a guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap, and the psychiatrist says: “I can clearly see you’re nuts”.

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male…. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female…. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

A man rushes to his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me! I’ve got a carrot in my left ear and a banana in my right ear and a chicken wing up my nose!”

“Well, son,” the old doctor says. “It’s quite obvious you haven’t been eating properly.”

Q: How is having sex in a canoe similar to American beer?

A: They are both fucking close to water!

What do a woman and KFC have in common?

After you are done eating the breasts, legs, and thighs, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q:How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:YOU DONT KNOW MAN YOU WERENT THERE!