Funny Jokes

A salesman finds that the land he sold has become flooded. He asks his boss: "Should the company refund the client?"
His boss shouts: "Refund? Are you crazy? You go there and sell him boats as soon as possible!"

Q: How do you recognize a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark. 🐶

One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls a little 8 inch guy and a little piano out of his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone looked at him and was just so amazed by this.

One guy walks over to the other guy and asks him where he got that little man and the piano. He replies, "Well, out there, is a genie and he grants you but one wish."

So, immediately after the guy heard that, he ran out to the genie. He walks back into the bar with all these ducks everywhere.

The guy with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"

The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks."

The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you that the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a 8 inch pianist, do you?"

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew. I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic."

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off."

"If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

"I went to the butcher's and asked for a couple of pounds of brains.
The butcher says, 'I follow you on Facebook, you need four pounds...'" 🧠

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent." 🕵️‍♂️

Q: Why did the cry baby bring a ladder to school?
A: Because they heard high school can be an emotional "climb"! 😭😄

Q: Why did the Queen go to The London Eye?
A: She wanted to see her kingdom in a "royal-round" way! 👑🎡😄

Q: Why don't they play hide and seek in London?
A: Because good luck hiding when Big Ben is constantly telling the time! 🕰️😄

When struggling to open a jar:
"This is harder than it looks."
"That's what she said!"

On overpacking a suitcase:
"I can't believe I fit all that in there."
"That's what she said!"

While trying to find a parking spot:
"Look at that space, it's way too tight."
"That's what she said!"

Discussing a difficult puzzle:
"It just doesn't seem to fit anywhere."
"That's what she said!"

At a dinner with oversized portions:
"I'll never be able to finish all of this!"
"That's what she said!"

While trying to thread a needle:
"I can't even see the hole!"
"That's what she said!"

When catching a big fish:
"Wow, look at the size of that thing!"
"That's what she said!"

During a workout session:
"I can't do another one; it's too hard!"
"That's what she said!"

Assembling furniture:
"Do you think it will hold up if I put it in like this?"
"That's what she said!"

When someone is lost while driving:
"Do you even know where you're sticking that thing?"
"That's what she said!"

Plumber?
"Fix the sink? I barely know her!"

Carpenter?
"Build a house? I barely know her!"

Jogger?
"Run a marathon? I barely know her!"

Gardener?
"Plant a tree? I barely know her!"

Baker?
"Make a cake? I barely know her!"

Painter?
"Draw a portrait? I barely know her!"

Singer?
"Hit the high note? I barely know her!"

Dancer?
"Do the tango? I barely know her!"

Driver?
"Drive a car? I barely know her!"

Writer?
"Pen a novel? I barely know her!"

Q: What's the most popular dance move on New Year's Eve 2024?
A: The Robot, because even in 2024, everyone's still trying to keep up with technology! 🤖🎉😄