Office jokes are funny lines or stories about work life, colleagues, and the situations that happen in an office setting. For example, a joke might ask, “Why did the computer go to therapy?” The answer is, “Because it had too many unresolved issues!” Another joke could be, “What do you call an office worker who loves to work in the cold?” with the punchline being, “A chill administrator.” These jokes are meant to be light-hearted and fun, using simple ideas about office life and the quirky moments that can occur between coworkers or with office equipment. They’re great for sharing a laugh during breaks, in emails, or at meetings to lighten the mood and enjoy the humor in everyday work situations.
In an always-serious office, the old printer was the bane of everyone’s existence. One day, it mysteriously started printing on its own: “Help, I’m stuck in the printer!” sheet after sheet. Panic ensued until the IT guy discovered a voice recorder inside. The prankster? The office’s shyest employee, who finally spoke up: “Gotcha! Now, can we get a new printer?” The office burst into laughter, and the legend of the “haunted” printer lived on. 🖨️😂👻
A man is working at a pharmaceutical store, and he always gets the orders wrong. His boss tells him if he screws up one more time, he is fired.
An old man walks in and orders cough syrup. He can’t find any so he gives him a laxative instead. The man takes the laxative and leaves the store.
The boss comes up and asks why he gave the man a laxative in place of cough syrup. He points towards the old man who is suddenly leaning on a lightpost and says, “Look at him — he’s afraid to cough.”
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” — Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,” — Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,” — Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” — A congressional candidate in Texas.
“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” — Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” — Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Dan Quayle
” It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another” — George Bush, US President
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” — Lee Iacocca
“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,” — Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
“The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,” — Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — Bill Clinton, President
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” — Al Gore, VP
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” — Keppel Enderbery
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” — Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” — Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” — George Bush
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?” The man said, “Sure. I’ve come to install the phone!”
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:
1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!
In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ”It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ”It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ”It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ”It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ”It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ”It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ”This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
This is how Shit Happens.
A man walked into a Doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked.
“Shingles,”he replied.
She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?”
“Shingles,” he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,”What do you have?”
“Shingles,” the man told him.
The Doctor looked him up and down and said,”Where?”
“Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty an…
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
TWELVE THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate.
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.
1. Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”
2. Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”
3. On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left.”
4. In a veterinarians waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!”
5. At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”
6. On the door of a computer store: “Out for a quick byte.”
7. In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
8. Inside a bowling alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”
9. In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”
10. In a counselors office: “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”
Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
– Old investors never die, they just roll over.
– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…
– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
– Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.
– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
– Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.
– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
– Old students never die, they just get degraded.
– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
– Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.
– Old white wate
So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
“Yes!” he says looking and sounding relieved, “This is very important.”
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, “Thanks, I only need one copy.”
1. Britney Spears & Eminem Who, combined, have written more books than they’ve read.
2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America’s Oil Companies For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don’t mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.
5. Bill Gates For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of Maxim For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
7. Jared Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
8. Jennifer Lopez Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.
9. That 300 Pound Guy Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
10. Glaxo Who has managed to make ‘loose stools’ a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.
My boss called me into his office: “Why do i hear you talking when there is still work to be done”
He shouted … I said: “Because you have ears.”
When you’re on a workplace training course, think of it like this:
When you start the course, you are on-course.
When you’re in the middle of the course, that’s group intercourse.
When you’ve finished the course, that’s when you’re off course, of course.
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, “It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how sh*t happens.
OBJECTIVE
To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.
EDUCATION
School: Very Expensive
Major: Not Important
GPA: Don’t Ask
EMPLOYMENT
NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/96-Present) Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those messages.
DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/97-12/99) Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.
RESIDENT INHALER (9/98-6/99) Assisted all students with chemical intake from purchasing to exhaling.
COMPUTER SKILLS
*Solitaire *Minesweeper *On/Off Repair Method HONORS AND AWARDS
*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament *Said Toast at brother’s wedding *High Score on Theta Chi’s Pin Ball Machine
For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you’re considering me as a law school applicant.
An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
“I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a second”
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”
The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking”
