Sick Horse
Q. Where does a Horse go when he gets sick?🐴
A. The “Horse-pital.”🏥
Animal Jokes
The Funniest Animal Jokes of All Time
Animals can be very funny. Their different behaviors, sounds, and actions can make people laugh. Many jokes about animals come from these things. Some jokes might be about how animals play or the funny sounds they make. Other jokes could be about the silly things animals do, like dogs chasing their tails or birds talking. The humor often comes from how animals act in nature, how they get along with people and other animals, and the cute or odd places they like to be.
Here are some animal jokes that some people find funny:
Penguin Tuxedo
Q: Why do penguins always look like they’re going to a party? 🐧🎩
A: Because they’re always dressed in their best “ice” tuxedos! ❄️🤵
Nuts Over Philosophy
Two squirrels are sitting on a park bench, discussing philosophy. One turns to the other and says, “I think, therefore I am.” The other squirrel scoffs and replies, “No, you gather nuts, therefore you are.”
Got Any Grapes?
Once upon a time in a cozy little town, there was a duck who loved visiting the local grocery store. Every morning, he would waddle into the store and ask the manager, “Do you have any grapes?” Each time, the manager would gently reply, “No, we don’t sell grapes here.”
Despite this, the duck returned day after day, asking for grapes. The store manager, always patient, would repeat that they didn’t sell grapes. The customers began to find the duck’s daily visits amusing and endearing.
One day, to everyone’s surprise, the manager decided to stock grapes just for the duck. The next morning, when the duck came in and asked, “Do you have any grapes?” the manager proudly said, “Yes, we do!” But the duck looked confused and said, “Oh, I don’t like grapes. Do you have any apples?” 🦆🍇🍏
Fish wearing a suit
What do you call a fish wearing a suit?
SOFISHticated!
Got Any Bread?
A duck walks into a bar and says ” Got any bread?”
And the barman says “No”
The next day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
And the barman, “No!”.
The following day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“I told you yesterday, N-O NO!”
The next day the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“For cryin’ out loud – N-O spells NO and I mean NO! !”
The day after the duck returns and says “Got any bread?”
“Look, if you ask me one more damn time if I’ve got any bread,
I’m going to nail your damn beak to the damn bar!!”
The next day the duck returns and says “”Got any nails?”
“No!”
“Got any bread?
Digital Poultry Patrol
Why did the chicken sit on the computer?
It wanted to keep an eye on the chicken cursor!
Chicken Jokes
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it had the drumsticks!
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To talk to the other side!
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch its legs!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics!
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks, but the chicken took all the credit!
Why did the chicken sit on the egg?
Because it didn’t have a chair!
How do you know if a chicken is on vacation?
It uses its “egg-spert” travel agent!
Why did the chicken go to the library?
It wanted a book on “egg-citing” adventures!
Why did the chicken get detention?
For using fowl language!
What did the chicken say after laying a square egg?
“Ouch!”
Cat Jokes
Why was the cat sitting on the computer?
It wanted to keep an eye on the mouse!
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meow-tain!
Why did the cat run from the tree?
It wanted to get down before the bark!
Cheetahs Don’t Need Wings!
Bear Jokes
Why don’t bears like fast food?
Because they can’t catch it!
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you call a bear caught out in the rain?
A drizzly bear!
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they’d look silly in sweaters!
What’s a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala!
What do you call a bear with no ears?
B!
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white!
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda!
How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, teddy, go!
Why don’t bears wear socks?
Because they have bear feet!
Why do cows wear bells?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work!
What does a cow drink?
What does a cow drink?
The most mooooo-ving water it can find!
How much does a polar bear weigh?
How much does a polar bear weigh?
Enough to break the ice!
Elephant’s Fear
Why don’t elephants use computers?
They’re afraid of the mouse!
Reptilian Rib-ticklers
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Bovine Belly Laughs
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
Avian Antics
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
Canine Comedy
Why did the dog sit in the shade?
He didn’t want to be a hot dog!
Aquatic Amusement
Why don’t fish play basketball?
They’re afraid of the net!
Feline Funnies
Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
Animal dad jokes
Why don’t some animals play cards in the wild?
Too many cheetahs!
What do you call a fish without eyes?
Fsh!
Why did the scarecrow adopt a dog?
Because he needed a bark-crow!
Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Why do birds not use Facebook?
Because they’re already on Twitter!
What’s a cat’s favorite color?
Purrr-ple!
Why did the dog sit in the shade?
Because he didn’t want to be a hot dog!
Why did the crab never share?
Because he’s shellfish!
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor!
Got any crackers?
A duck walks into a bar and asks “got any crackers?”
bar tender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, “got any crackers?”
bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, “I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!” Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, “got any nails?” bar tender says no. Duck says “good. Got any crackers?”
Cricket
If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?
A bloody big cricket.
Dog Flowers
“Some plants,” said the teacher, “have the prefix “dog. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Now name another plant prefixed by ‘dog’.”
“I can,” shouted a little redhead from the back row, “Collieflower!”
Who’s That Dog?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ”Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ”Nope.” As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ”I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” The old man muttered, ”Ain’t my dog.”
C-ing I Dog
Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn’t allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of the guys had an idea.
“Just watch me and follow my lead,” he said.
He walked into the bar with his dog and the bartender stopped and said to him, “I’m sorry but I can’t let you in here.”
The guy looked at the bartender and asked, “Why not?”
The bartender replied, “Well, we don’t allow dogs into the bar.”
“But this is my seeing eye dog,” the guy said.
“Oh, I’m sorry sir come on in, and by the way, nice golden retriever.”
The guy went into the bar and the second guy walked in with his dog. The bartender stopped him and told him he can’t let him in. When asked why not the bartender replied that you cannot have dogs in his bar.
“But this is my seeing eye dog,” said the second guy.
The bartender looked at the man and then looked at the dog. After a while he said, “Sir, ah um a Chihuahua?”
The man looked a little puzzled and then said, “What? They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Football Animals
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly,
“Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
Dead dog
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“You know, its not your fault that the dog died. Hes probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie, still crying, said “What would God want with a dead dog?”
The Better Bull
This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”
The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!”
