Christmas Jokes

Q: Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A: Because of all the wrapping! 🎁🎄😄

Q: What did the salt say to the pepper on Christmas?
A: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but you always spice it up!” 🧂🎅🌶️😄

Q: What kind of bug hates Christmas?
A: A humbug! 🐛🎄😄

What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Sandy Claws.

What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!

What does Father Christmas call his money?
Iced lolly!

Father Christmas wins a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck!

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!

What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
Santa pause!

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the suspect, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offence,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles!

What’s Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
Because they both have “Sandy claws”!

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
Beacause a little water ends both of them!

How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it!

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift wrapper?
Ribbon hood.

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar,
Santa drives a rusty car,
Press the starter,
Press the choke,
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!

If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up the next day and call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you’ll be expected to throw another party next year. What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they’ve been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct “Festivity Level….”

Festivity Level One: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling on hors d’oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two: Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d’oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” gulping other people’s drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and sticking hors d’oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level Four Your guests have hors d’oeuvres smeared all over their naked, liquor-soaked bodies and are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around level three, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case, feel free to go to level four. The best way to get to level three is eggnog. Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word “eggnog” comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word “egg,” meaning, egg. I don’t know where the “nog” comes from. To make eggnog, you’ll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large festive bowl. Then induce your guests to drink this mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don’t arrest anybody. Or if they’re dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn’t you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for their uniforms and assure them that you’re not doing anything illegal. Here’s how to handle it:…
Police: Good evening. Are you the host?
You: No
Police: We’ve been getting complaints about this party.
You: About the drugs?
Police: No.
You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
Police: No, the noise. You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense because there are no guns or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background) or fireworks. Who’s complaining about the noise? The neighbors?
Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask the host to quiet things down?
You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are already starting to wind down.

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.

“It’s beautiful!” cried the man, “Does he do any tricks?”

“Yes he does, ” answered the salesman. “If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing ‘Jingle Bells.’ And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.”‘

“Amazing!” exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that he’d bought.

“Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks?” asked the wife. The man smiled and said, “Watch this.” Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing ‘Jingle Bells.’ Then he put the match under the bird’s left foot, and it began to sing ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.’

“That’s incredible! Does he do anything else?” the wife asked.

“I don’t know, lets see.” replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…”