Bytes at the Bar
Eight bytes walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes.
“Make us a double.” 💻💻
Computer Jokes
The Ultimate Collection of Computer Jokes
Computer jokes are funny lines or stories about computers, programming, or tech stuff. They often make fun of computer problems or geeky habits. For example, a joke might ask, “Why was the computer cold?” The answer is, “It left its Windows open!” Another joke could be about why programmers like nature. The answer is, “Because it has no bugs.” These jokes are easy to understand and meant to make people laugh, especially those who use computers a lot or know about programming.
Here are some of the best Computer jokes:
Types of virus
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ATandT VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the ATandT virus.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>
Spouse emails
How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet?
Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address
“Your spouse@home.com.”
Microsoft Built Cars
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive – but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
8. The air bag system would say, “are you sure?” before going off.
9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Computer Engineer
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said,
“I think a rod broke.”
The Chemical Engineer said,
“The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas.”
The Electrical Engineer said,
“I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.”
All three turned to the computer engineer and said,
“What do you think?”
The Computer Engineer said,
“I think we should all get out and get back in.
Warning Signs
Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.
1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven’t had any caffeine in about 6 hours.
2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.
3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn’t enough time to even begin running it.
5. You start customizing your environment because you want it “just right” (and because further work on the program is futile).
6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.
7. You understand 8.
8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.
9. You know more programming commands than actual words.
10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.
Y2k
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think
We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We’ll await your direction.
Microsoft operated Restaurants
If Microsoft operated Restaurants Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Snapple
Overheard: Bill Gates talking with one of his financial advisor’s…
Bill says,
“You did what with my 150 million dollars? I said Snapple, not Apple!”
A tough day
We had a tough day at the office yesterday.
The computers were all down and everyone had to think!
CHAT
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When…
- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don’t have a clue when it happened.
- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
- All of your friends have an @ in their names.
- Your dog has its own home page.
- You can’t call your mother… she doesn’t have a modem.
- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
- The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
VIRUS
An application was for employment; a program was a TV show; a cursor used profanity; a keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something you lost with age; a CD was a bank account; a hard drive was a
long road trip.
A web was a spider’s home, and a virus was the flu!
Some instructions
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
20. There’s no place like your homepage.
SIGNS
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played patience with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask, “Do you fancy going down the pub?” and they reply, “Yeah, give me five minutes”.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider regular mail painfully slow or call it “snail mail”.
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a 0 to get an outside line.
13. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 6 o’clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
Monopoly
The Yankees have a monopoly game.
The Mets have a monopoly game.
Microsoft has a monopoly, no game but a lesson for us all.
A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said,
“I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
My computer
My computer isn`t that nervous…it`s just a bit ANSI.
The mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, “Is something wrong?” “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying “You’ve Got Mail.”
Cyber Comedy
Q: Why don’t hackers play hide and seek with computers?
A: Because the computers always find a backdoor! 🖥️🔓😄
iPhone
Q: Why did the iPhone go to therapy?
A: It couldn’t get rid of its syncing issues!
Yahoo!
Why did the computer keep going to Yahoo! for answers?
Because Google was feeling lucky and Bing was just a sound it made when turned on!
Flappy Bird
Why did Flappy Bird get kicked out of school?
He was always winging his tests!
Why did the bird join Twitter?
It already had the tweets!
Smartphone
Why did the smartphone go to school?
It wanted to improve its “cell-f” esteem!
Photoshop
Why did the image go to therapy?
It had too many layers of issues!
How do Photoshop experts flirt?
“Are you a magic wand? Because every time I select you, everything else disappears.”
Why was the pixel upset at the vector?
Every time they argued, the vector kept saying, “It’s just not that clear cut!”
WordPress Jokes
Why did the blogger break up with Joomla and move to WordPress?
Because he found a better connection with WordPress, it’s more user-friendly!
Why was the WordPress website acting crazy?
Because it couldn’t decide on which theme to wear!
Why do WordPress users have an edge in debates?
Because they always have a “plug-in” for their argument!
Why did WordPress go to the party?
Because it heard there was going to be a “hosting”!
Why did the developer go broke?
Because he spent all his money on premium WordPress themes!
Why was the WordPress website good at baseball?
Because it always hit the right “tags”!
What do WordPress and a good restaurant have in common?
They both need to serve “cookies”!
Why was WordPress worried about its diet?
Because it had too many “cookies”!
Why did the WordPress site get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its “field” (custom field, that is)!
Why did the developer date WordPress?
Because it had all the right “features”!
Password Jokes
Why do computer hackers like to golf?
Because they’re great at driving and putting but really shine on the back nine when cracking the password!
How does a computer know if it has a good password?
It looks to see if it’s got character.
What’s a computer’s least favorite food?
A sloppy password.
What’s a hacker’s favorite type of password?
Yours.
Why did the hacker go broke?
Because he gave up all his cache for an easy password!
What does a polite password say?
Pardon me, but can you type me again?
What’s a ghost’s favorite type of password?
One that’s got a lot of spirit!
Why did the password get in trouble in school?
It couldn’t behave and kept breaking the rules!
What’s a cat’s favorite password?
“Claw1234”.
Why was the password bad at the game hide and seek?
Because it was always getting cracked!
Keyboard Jokes
Why don’t keyboards ever sleep?
Because they have two shifts!
Why was the keyboard feeling proud?
Because it has so many “caps”!
Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open and let in a draft!
What do you call a keyboard that can sing?
A Dell!
Why was the keyboard always losing at poker?
Because it kept showing a pair of Aces and a few 2s, 3s, and 4s!
Internet Jokes
Why don’t computers ever get cold?
Because they have Windows!
Why was the computer cold at the office?
It left its Windows open!
Why was the computer cold at home?
It left all of its Windows open!
How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.
What do you call a computer that sings?
A-Dell.
Why did the spider go to the computer?
To check his web site.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems to solve… on the internet!
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
Adele Rolling in the Deep.
Why did the computer keep sneezing?
It had a bad virus.
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It thought it had a terminal illness!
Internet Explorer Jokes
Why don’t we tell secrets in Internet Explorer?
Because it takes too long for them to get out!
Why did the computer break up with Internet Explorer?
It couldn’t handle a long-distance relationship.
Why was Internet Explorer always picked last in gym class?
It could never catch up!
How does Internet Explorer say “hello”?
“Welcome to the 90s!”
Why did Internet Explorer bring a map to the computer?
It heard there was a shortcut, but couldn’t find it.
Why does Internet Explorer go to therapy?
To deal with its loading issues.
Why does Internet Explorer always lose at poker?
It’s got a terrible poker “cache.”
What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite time of year?
Buffering… Loading answer…
How does Internet Explorer apologize?
It asks you to “accept cookies.”
Why can’t Internet Explorer play hide and seek?
Because it always takes too long to find anything!
What do you call an elderly Internet Explorer?
An Internet Explorosaurus.
What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite exercise?
It likes to jog, but it’s always a few laps behind.
Why is Internet Explorer always at the end of the line?
It’s never in sync.
Why doesn’t Internet Explorer have any friends at the party?
It always arrives late.
How does Internet Explorer propose to its partner?
“Will you accept this cookie?”
Why did Internet Explorer get a ticket?
It couldn’t keep up with the traffic.
What’s Internet Explorer’s favorite film?
The Slow and the Spurious.
Why does Internet Explorer make a terrible detective?
It takes forever to get a clue.
Why did Internet Explorer get kicked out of the race?
It was always buffering behind.
What does Internet Explorer and a traffic jam have in common?
They both make you wait and make you late!
