Business Trip Caution
Man:
Honey, I’m off on a business trip. Please, take good care of the child.
Woman:
Alright, and you make sure you donât get a child!
Relationship jokes playfully explore the dynamics and humorous situations that can arise between couples, often highlighting the quirks of romantic partnerships. For example, “Why do couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out!” This joke cleverly uses the phrase “work out” to simultaneously refer to exercising at the gym and to succeeding in a relationship. It’s a light-hearted take on the efforts people make to strengthen their relationships, using a pun to connect the concept of physical fitness with the health of a romantic partnership. Relationship jokes are a fun way to laugh about the ups and downs of being together, bringing humor to the complexities of love and companionship.
Man:
Honey, I’m off on a business trip. Please, take good care of the child.
Woman:
Alright, and you make sure you donât get a child!
Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years you have been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”
Morris hung his head and whispered, “To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”
Wife: “Honey, what are you looking for?”
Husband: “Nothing.”
Wife: “Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?”
Husband: “I was just looking for the expiry date.”
Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means…
Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says: No darling , it means :-
With Idiot For Ever
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, âhere put these on.â She said âI canât wear your pants.â âThatâs right!!â said the husband, âand donât you forget it. Iâm the man who wears the pants in this family!â With that she flipped him her panties and said, âTry these on.â He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, âHell, I canât get into your panties!â She said, âThatâs right, and thatâs the way itâs going to be until you change your attitude.â
A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happenedâŠbut then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.
In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.
âYour honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.â
âThat must have hurt,â said the judge.
âNo kidding,â said the best man. âI broke three of my fingers.â
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, âYou know, I was a fool when I married you.â The
husband replied, âYes, dear, but I was so in love and didnât notice.â
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters.
The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
âLook at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!â
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, âHave you been fooling around on me?â
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, âNot this time!â
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, âHey, Dave! How ya doin?â His wife is puzzled and asks if heâs been to this club before. âOh no,â says Dave. âHeâs on my bowling team.â
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if heâd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, âYou must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.â âNo, honey, sheâs in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.â A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. âHi, Davey,â she says, âWant your usual table dance?â
Daveâs wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, âLooks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!â
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the manâs license and registration. Then the cop said, âListen, Mac, itâs Friday, Iâm tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I havenât heard before, Iâll let you go.â
The man thought for a minute, then replied, âMy wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me.â
The cop nodded and said, âHave a nice day.â
A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the manâs license and registration. Then the cop said, âListen, Mac, itâs Friday, Iâm tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I havenât heard before, Iâll let you go.â
The man thought for a minute, then replied, âMy wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me.â
The cop nodded and said, âHave a nice day.â
A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, âI am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.â In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, âI am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?â
The man thought for a while and said, âI guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.â
The woman was shocked, but said, âI am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.â They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later, the woman asked the man, âWhy do you have all that money in the box?â To which the man answered, âWhenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.â
Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please donât take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.
Rule Two: Iâm sure that you have been told that in todayâs world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many oppurtunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup â a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why donât you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine.
A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, âDoctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks heâs a refrigerator.â
âThatâs not so bad,â said the doctor. âItâs a rather harmless complex.â
âWell, maybe,â replied the lady. âBut he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness.â
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each otherâs throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselorâs office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
âWhat seems to be the problem?â
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, âYour wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!â
The husband scratched his head and repliedâŠ
âI can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.â
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
âLook, Iâll give you $100 if youâll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where Iâm supposed to promise to âlove, honor and obeyâ and âbe faithful to her forever,â Iâd appreciate it if youâd just leave that out.â
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groomâs vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
âWill you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?â
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, âYes,â then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: âI thought we had a deal.â
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groomâs hand and whispered: âShe made me a better offer.â
What a woman says:
CmonâŠThis place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and youâll have no clothes if we donât do laundry now!
What a man hears:
CâMONâŠ.blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, âYou know, I donât know what else to do. Whenever I go home after weâve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!â
His buddy looks at him and says, âWell, youâre obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, âYou as horny as I am?â . . . and, she always acts like sheâs sound asleep!â
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, âIâm sorry to bother you, but Iâm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.â
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, âIâve got a better idea⊠just for tonight, letâs pretend weâre married.â
The woman thinks for a moment. âWhy not,â she giggles.
âGreat,â he replies, âGet your own damn blanket!â
A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, âQuick, go get help!â
She says, âI canât, Iâm naked.â
He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her âlower partsâ and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, âHelp me, my boyfriend is stuck.â
The truck driver replies, âHoney, if heâs that far gone, I donât think we can get him out again!â
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, âDoctor, I havenât had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husbandâs sex drive.â
The doctor smiled and said, âHave you tried to give him Viagra?â
The lady frowned. âDoctor, I canât even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,â she claimed.
âWell,â the doctor continued, âlet me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He wonât notice a thing.â
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctorâs office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
âHow did it go?â the doctor asked.
âTerribly, doctor, terribly.â
âDid it not work?â
âYes,â the old lady said, âIt worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that Iâd had in 25 years.â
âThen what is the problem, maâam?â
âWell,â she said. âI canât ever show my face in McDonaldâs again.â
A husband and wife are watching âWho Wants To Be a Millionaire,â and the husband winks and says, âHoney, letâs go upstairsâŠâ
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, âIs that your final answer?â The wife says yes.
The husband says, âWell, can I phone a friend?â
Q: How do you fix a womanâs watch?
A: You donât. There is a clock on the oven.
A man came home from work one day and his wife asked
him to fix the toilet. The man says âwho do i look like the plumber?â and never fixed itâŠ.
The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says âwho do i look like a blad specialist?â and never fixed itâŠ.
The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the refrigerator. The man says âwho do i look like the maytag repair man?â and never fixed itâŠ.
man comes home the next day and his wife told him she hired someone to fix the fridge, someone to fix the garbage disposal, and someone to fix the toilet. The man asks his wife âhow much did it cost?â His wife says âi had to either bake them a cake or have sex with them.â The man asks his wife âwhat kinda cake did you bake them?â the wife says âwho do i look like Betty Crocker?â
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, âWow, it really works.â
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, âIf you were my husband I would poison your drink.â The man replied, âIf you were my wife I would drink it.â
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, âGoing to a party?â
âYeah, a costume party,â the man answered, âIâm supposed to come dressed as my love life.â
âBut you look like Abe Lincoln.â protested the barkeep.
âThatâs right. My last four scores were seven years ago.â
Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.
One lady says, âYou know, Iâm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnât remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.â
The second lady says, âYou think thatâs bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldnât remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!â
The third lady smiles smugly, âWell, my memoryâs just as good as itâs always been, knock on wood,â she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, âWhoâs there?â
An elderly couple decided to celebrate their 50th anniversary in the same hotel and city where they spent their honeymoon. Before the act, he excused himself and went to loo and after a while came out laughing loudly.
âOn our first night,â the woman said, âyou did the same thing and came out laughing. At the time, I was too embarrassed to ask what you were laughing about. Can you explain?â
âOn that night while urinating, I made the roof wet. Today my shoes are wet.â