After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.”
Adam answered, “Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?” So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable.”
And the Lord replied, “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, ” ‘What is a ‘caress’? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “‘Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, “‘You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?”‘ So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”
CODE WORD…………….MEANS
40-ish……………….48
Adventurer……………Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate………….Possessive
Artist……………….Unreliable
Beautiful…………….Pathological liar
Commitment-minded……..Pick out curtains, now!
Communication-important..Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile………Bring your penicillin
Educated……………..College dropout
Emotionally Secure…….Medicated
Employed……………..Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera…..Snob
Enjoys Nature…………Bring your own granola
Feminist……………..A Ball buster
Financially Secure…….One paycheck from the street
Free spirit…………..Substance abuser
Friendship first ……..Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun………………….Annoying
Gentle……………….Comatose
Good Listener…………Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous……………..Caustic
Intuitive…………….Your opinion doesn’t count
In Transition…………Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker…………Lush
Looks younger…………If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel………….If you’re paying
Loves Animals…………Cat lady
New-Age………………All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional……….Ex-husband lives in the basement
Old-fashioned…………Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded…………..Desperate
Outgoing……………..Loud
Professional………….Bitchy
Reliable……………..Frumpy
Romantic……………..Looks better by candle light
Self-employed…………Jobless
Special………………Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows
Spiritual…………….Involved with a cult
Stable……………….Boring
Tan………………….Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate………..One step away from stalking
Widow………………..Nagged first husband to death
Redhead………………Used Clairol
I used to have a real bad bedwetting problem … but the last couple of weeks I’ve gotten it under control.
I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden … but could I borrow five hundred dollars?
Go ahead and Super Size – I found spare change in the sofa today.
Something tells me that you’re very special … but with medication I can usually ignore it.
I don’t see my ex-girlfriend that much … thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.”
Do you want to play doctor? That’ll be five hundred dollars.
Wait till my wife hears about this!
I had a good time tonight. I’d love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plan you right here!
2. Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.
6. I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
9. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!
Emma: “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?”
Jake: “I’m taking my girlfriend out for a fancy dinner.”
Emma: “That’s sweet! Where are you going?”
Jake: “A seafood restaurant. I heard it’s the perfect place to flounder for words when I propose!”
Emma: “Just make sure you don’t crab under pressure!”
I love you more than coffee—and that’s saying a latte!
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te!
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?
“I love you a ton!”
Why did the cookie break up with the fortune cookie on Valentine’s Day?
Because it felt the fortune cookie was too crumbly under pressure.
What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine’s Day?
I find you very attractive!
Why did Cupid become a chocolate manufacturer?
Because he couldn’t figure out any other way to make love sweet.
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight.” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it – to find a book entitled “The meaning of dreams”
Q: What do you call someone with a cold on Valentine’s Day?
A: “Lovesick.”
